even my farts smell like vagina
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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