Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
