I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
