She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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