I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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