My sheets look like a crime scene.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I party with great urgency now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
