its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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