My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
