Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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