saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
