She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
