Do you still have your period?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
