If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
