Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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