I accidentally burped into my bong.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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