K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
someone threw a dead crab at me
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Sext me about skeletons
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
