Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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