You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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