if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
