everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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