I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
