Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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