need another drink. this is the easiest way
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
