I just found puke in my bra..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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