According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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