I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
