so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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