i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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