my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
