He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
