The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
