i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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