Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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