Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
In America we eat man semen.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
