I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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