that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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