At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
