Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
