I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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