next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
