omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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