She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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