At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
