Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
