Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
