my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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