mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
