I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
