You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
