our cab driver is having phone sex.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
