I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
